An exploration of the transformative power of embracing vulnerability in various aspects of life, including relationships, parenting, and leadership. Brene Brown discusses the impact of vulnerability on fostering connection, creativity, and wholehearted living, encouraging readers to cultivate courage and authenticity.
A series of interviews with unconventional people challenging the traditional education-to-career pathway, advocating for alternative methods of learning and skill acquisition outside formal academic institutions.
Practical insights into building meaningful relationships by emphasizing the importance of understanding others' perspectives and expressing genuine interest in their concerns. It provides timeless principles for effective communication and interpersonal skills, encouraging readers to enhance their social interactions and influence positively.
A dive into the concept of mindset and its impact on success, distinguishing between a fixed mindset that sees abilities as innate and a growth mindset that believes in the potential for development through effort and learning.
Exploring introversion as a personality trait and provides insights into the strengths and needs of both introverts and extroverts. The book presents a history of how Western culture transformed from a culture of character to a culture of personality, where an "extrovert ideal" dominates.
Amanda Palmer recounts being a street performer to a world-renowned artist, emphasizing the importance of accepting help when it's offered and building a closely-knit network based on personal communication, honesty, and trust.
When I was a student at Cal Poly, I met this stranger in a park. She was a tall Russian American with a thick accent and probably in her early to mid-20’s. She was this lively character who was full of life. I initially thought she was part of Cal Poly’s QL+ club’s barbecue meet-up because she was hanging around with some of the club members I recognized (QL+ stands for quality of life plus, which focuses on bettering the lives of veterans , providing engineering solutions. Cal Poly has a dedicated space for this organization and I highly recommend you check it out). It took me over 30 minutes of talking and hanging out with her to realize she wasn’t a student at all. She was a vagabond.
She was on a trip from South America, hitchhiking and drifting about. Her plan for the upcoming winter was to eventually go back home to Portland, Oregon so that she could be with family for the holidays. Her travels led her places all over the world with ambitions to go to Southeast Asia. Her budget was limited, and she would take up odd jobs wherever she went.
As I listened to her stories, I reflected on my own life goals and where I was headed. I tried to dream big, yet I felt encapsulated, pretended the life I wanted was to have a stable job, playing it safe with risks, and only experience vacations by tour bus. But she was this beacon of inspiration of wild and unknown.
And in a way, I had this spirit to travel before. I had just joined Couchsurfing a few months prior, surfing for the first time in the Pacific Northwest. I was in the midst of planning a summer semester studying abroad. I had read the Four Hour Work Week, inspired by Tim’s trip to Argentina. I had just purchased Rolf Pott’s book Vagabonding. I read Chris Guillebeau’s Art of Non-Conformity blog. I felt mentally prepped and was nurturing a mind ready for traveling unconventionally.
I asked her if she was afraid of the dangers that a solo traveler may face when traveling on foreign lands, like being scammed, kidnapped or raped. I remembered she had this cavalier way talking about it, like in a happy-go-lucky charm. She replied that everyone has been genuinely nice and wants to help out. Even the crazy truck driver in Ecuador who may have been suggesting sexual favors. In the end, all of them wanted to help her.
I was conflicted by her words because I have always been taught otherwise. Growing up, my aunt who lived with us used to scare us children into thinking someone was outside the house ready to kidnap us if we walked outside at night unattended. Additionally, I had scared myself by watching “America’s Most Wanted” alone, thinking there was a murderer watching me through the window. Always following that thought would be my paranoia with windows, promptly closing the curtains and hiding as far away from them as possible. And yet, this was the opposite advice, and for once, I stopped to think logically. Eventually, I would come around to realize I should throw away my paranoia.
It got late and everyone had their fill of BBQ, this stranger and I parted ways. She didn’t want to ride home in the darkness after sunset. Plus, she didn’t want to be late helping out with supper at the rehabilitation center where she volunteered. She got on her bike and was gone.
The encounter has stuck with me. I still hear those words in my head like a mantra. “People are genuinely nice.” Those words had planted a seed I was going to bloom.
A few revelations have come to light since this encounter. For example, months after the exchange, I took road trips around the west coast and Canada. I made sure on these trips that I would intentionally get lost. And after a while, I too was not afraid of safety as much. Sure, there are plenty of things you could be worried about, but you can find many of those dangers here in the states (I won’t be revisiting west Philadelphia anytime soon).
People around the world are nice, even here near home. In my most recent trip, road tripping around the U.S., I drove through the mid-west and the southern states and met some of the nicest, most humble and giving people. I got to really enjoy genuine southern hospitality that I have heard so much about. “Please” and “thank you” are phrases that actually have meaning. The experience opened my mind to the diversity of our nation, and it made me realize there’s so much that I haven’t explored.
I give people advice about how to tackle the fears of traveling. When I talk to women who tout it’s too dangerous, I tell them about this person I met and of the misconceptions they have of the world. I challenge them to take a journey and tell me that the people in the world are generally putrid and vile. I understand I’m a man in a mostly matriarchal society with privileges that exceeds women in many parts of the world, but I also understand you don’t let that get in your way if that’s your dream or passion.
Traveling doesn’t have to be just a dream. It can be a world that opens up many surprises around you. On my wall, I have a poster of a comic drawn by Zen Pencil’s artist of a quote from Mark Twain.
Travel is fatal to prejudice, bigotry, and narrow-mindedness, and many of our people need it sorely on these accounts. Broad, wholesome, charitable views of men and things cannot be acquired by vegetating in one little corner of the earth all one’s lifetime.
— Mark Twain
I have thought about trying to find this woman and thank her for being this life changing moment that had helped me realize that I can take the risks of travel. But at the same time, I don’t know if it would be worth the pursuit. I don’t know her full name (I recalled it might have been Natalia a year after the experience), don’t know any of her contact information, and the only connection I could try is a hundred miles away (At the time, she was staying at Sunny Acres in San Luis Obispo. As a trade for volunteering there, she got room and board). Although, this could make for another interesting story.
How living with cats for the past two years turned me from a non-cat person to a baby talking, crazed cat person.
Let’s face it. Cat’s are egotistic, maniacal, cranky, yet lovely animals. Cats were around my parent’s neighborhood. There were packs of strays, the string of outdoor pets who had owners, and the occasional predator. They would amble into the yard scrounging around for food and catnip. My parent’s yard had holes in the fences where cats could slip in and out. I never cared for them; these cats were skiddish and I never put in the time to get to know them.
There was the first cat that I got to live with. Her name was Reyna. She was old, losing her hearing, and yet, would be social around people. She was my roommate’s cat, and had her own old lady personality. At times when she would be home alone, she would yell. At times when she thought she was alone, she would yell. She died a few months ago.
And it’s strange to still hear her shrill voice. She was nineteen, which is old for a kitty. And yes, I’ve resigned myself to call all cats ‘kitties’ for the sole reason that it’s just cute. Also, my roommate shoved that vocabulary in me. I guess there’s some sort of maternal instinct there, like “this is my child. Of course I’ll call her my kitty.”
Reyna curled up on the sofa
There’s the outdoor cat. Her name is Ruby. She was abandoned by her owners over a year ago and was hooked in our backyard because we were growing catnip. My roommate isn’t the kind of person to just let an animal suffer, so our home has become her safe haven. We’ve gone out of our way to feed her every morning, and now she’s conditioned. Whenever I walk out of the door, I hear this incessant meow, although I’m resigned to call it a growl. When I hear it, I hear “Feed me. Feed me. Goddamn it, you must have not heard me. Feed me.”
She’s also painfully needy. She’ll call for my attention. I’ll let her climb up on my lap. I pet her for a bit and she’ll purr. And then dig her nails into my leg. And I’ll yell.
Ruby - replacement cat
Lastly, there’s Reyna’s replacement, Jackson. My roommate got a male cat, which brings its own sets of new challenges. Jackson didn’t get out of the motherly feeding phase when we got him, so he bites everything and everyone. I’ve had to warn my friends that he may bite them, and ultimately, he does. I have a few battle scars on my hand.
But he’s also adorable. I’ll use baby talk around him because he really is a baby, although he’s looking more and more like a grown kitty. They grow up so fast.
Jackson - the sleepy, lazy cat
When I was reading this book last week, Lost Cat: A True Story of Love, Desperation, and GPS Technology, written by Caroline Paul and illustrated by Wendy McNaughton, I could totally relate to how Miss Paul writes about her attachment to her cats. She explains it as though she’s a crazed cat lady. But I also understand what’s going on in the cat lady’s mind, and that insight makes me empathize more with them.
“We are the sum of all people we have ever met; you change the tribe and the tribe changes you.”
― Dirk Wittenborn, Fierce People
I’m turning 25 next week, and I’m going through this phase of my life I’m calling “The Friendship Re-evaluation Phase.” I’m taking the time to think about who my friends are, and who aren’t. This thought exercise made me ask some fundamental questions. What is a friend? What is the concept of un-friending? How do I make the investment in new friends? Over the past few weeks of mulling around and trying to answer these questions, I’ve decided to write about it to bring clarity of what actually matters. I understand friendships matter, but no one really told me why.
Bad Relationships
To really get a grasp a great friendships, I’m going to start by analyzing bad relationships.
I remember in High School, there was this classmate of mine who thought we were friends. He would try to impress me with everything he had while I just wasn’t interested. The cues were all there, but I never forcefully said, “Matt, you can’t be my friend.” But, because my classmate never understood my cues, he continued to pursue me for all four years of my High School experience. I’ll call this the false friendship where the pursuer gives while the other party takes. I took my classmate’s recognition of friendship and I never responded back. Years later, I saw him working as waiter at a restaurant. I didn’t recognize him at first, and he gave me a shout out. Taken by surprised, I treated him with the same respect that I would give anyone else. But that’s where the relationship stayed, as acquaintances. This relationship was never to happen.
Then there are assholes. People who take, and know they are taking, but return little to nothing in return. In fact, if a situation comes up where they are given the option to stab you in the back in order for personal gain, they will gladly do it. TvTropes calls this person a jerkass. But sometimes this person masks this with their words or behaviors. They may seem genuine, but it’s a facade, and you could pay for it later.
My mother is a very gullible person. She has some of the worst friends I’ve ever met. One of most recent friends take advantage of her willingness to follow that she gets scammed into network marketing schemes more often than not. [1] Needless to say, her friends take advantage of her by asking her for favors, coming over for dinner and freeloading, and inviting her to risky activities. In one recent conversation with my mom, she tried to convince me to give her my email password because it was going to make me thousands of dollars. No, I didn’t give her my password, but I had to help my dad change his because he obliged. I have my mom’s friend to thank for that one.
It seems the patterns of bad friendships are major flaws in personalities. For example, one kind of friend we are all aware of is the blamer. The blamer will blame others for their misfortune when in fact that should be pointing that finger right back at themselves. “The world hates me.” “People don’t get me.” “If they just heard my side of the story…” They have some inherent flaw that they can’t fix because they don’t point the finger back at themselves. “Perhaps I hate myself.” “I need others’ affirmation of my self-worth to feel better.” “Maybe I should listen to the other person.”
Last week, I shared a animated video dubbed by a lecture from Brene Brown. She mentions that a sympathizer will try to help someone by beginning with the words, “Well, at least you’re not…” They don’t really help anyone and try to mitigate the situation at hand than to get to the root cause. Because of this trait, it’s hard to really understand if this friend will feel for you or feel with you.
A frenemy is an enemy disguised as a friend. Kelly Williams Brown writes in her book, “Adulting”, about the different types of frenemies.
The Seven Dwarfs of frienemies:
Flaky: Do you two have plans? How about now?
Flirty (to your significant other): This girl needs you to accept the fact that she playfully jostles your boyfriend every few minutes because that’s just who she is! She’s just friendly! Oh my God, it doesn’t even mean anything! You’re not mad, are you?
Boasty: This frienemy says something boastful but phrases it as a complaint about themselves so you’re forced to comfort her, even though both of you know damn well that she isn’t upset about looking too thin.
Crabby: This frienemy can never, ever enjoy a single thing, but instead keeps up a monologue of misery and disdain. Never bring this person to a fun dance party, or a goofy movie, or to meet your new significant other. Spoiler alert: She won’t like them. Because she doesn’t like anything.
Backstabby: This friend loves you soooooooo much! Except when you are between her and something she wants, in which case, fuck you!
Underminey: No, that dress you bought looks … great! So you! It’s awesome that you feel so comfortable with your body!
Doc: This frienemy knows exactly what you’re going through, and has all kinds of advice. It doesn’t matter whether or not you’re actually going through this, because Doc has diagnosed so, so many things wrong with you. She’s only trying to help. She’s just doing this because she cares.
— Kelly Williams Brown, “Adulting: How to Become a Grown-up in 468 Easy(ish) Steps” [2]
Learning how to distinguish the different types hacks your brain into creating a quick heuristic when taking a look at your friends. Does this friend seem to have this type of quality? And a lot of it? Perhaps that have more than one of these traits. It’s really time to start thinking about the quality of this friend. And also, it may be time to evaluate yourself. Do you find yourself in any of these roles? i might complain about flakey people, but I feel super awful when it’s the third time I do it to someone else.
By the way, every type of person I’m mentioning doesn’t just apply to friends. It also applies to relationships. If your partner is a toxic fit, it’s time to really re-evaluate your relationship. Which brings me to a piece of advice that I’ve been having trouble with these past few years.
Don’t wait for others to change.
Contrary to your good intentions, you can’t change someone. You can give them advice and offer them a different attitude on how to deal with problems, but at the end of the day, you’re not going to change them. That’s going to be a personal transformation, and one you’re most likely going to waste your time with. The investment you put into someone that has little to return should have little importance to you. Of course, how you define friendship value is your choice.
For a really close friend of mine, she’s distanced herself and it’s really hard to get a hold of her. Every time I try to reach out to her, she pulls back two steps. And it’s gotten to the point where I have considered ceasing my efforts to reach out and wait for her to respond. It is time to learn that I just can’t wait for her since she’s not willing to make the same investment for me.
Black eyed peas gif
Yes, I have the Black Eyed Peas stuck in my head. So will you.
Unfriend
I’m experimenting with different approaches to end these relationships. One way to deal with ending a relationship is to give them the silent treatment, dodging their phone calls and emails, being that person that doesn’t say anything back when we hang out. Of course, the other person might be confused in why you’ve been so shifty and may not get the message that you don’t want any part of them anymore.
You could politely tell the other party you two aren’t friends anymore, and not engage with them after. In a way, I like this approach because you’re being direct and honest while not burning your bridges. But it doesn’t work for everyone, especially those who don’t take direct advice well.
In Gavin De Becker’s book, “The Gift of Fear,” he talks about a business owner who gets pestered by a man who wants to work for him. After each exchange, the business owner engages with this man, first politely, then aggressively. By the end, these two men had a hostile and toxic relationship. When the business owner finally stopped engaging with the man, their exchanges diminished. The moral of the story is that provoking drama creates drama.
What’s hard about breaking up relationships is the investments you’ve made to it. You feel locked-in to it and can’t exit. But this is also a practice in confidence. Take the time to prepare what you’re going to say before you go with this action of un-friending. If you know the other person well, you can tailor it for them. Don’t make it into some elaborate plan and going extremely out of your way to make it known though. Be tactful.
Good Relationships
Broken up with those bad friends, what are we looking for with new friends? I don’t have many true friends. True friends are friends are people that could save me from a pinch, or can be relied on to help when I’m at my lowest point, or can be reached out to for help because there is an enormous amount of trust in this relationship. They are people who I could call my family. They are people I know I will grow old with, that even if we have a severed communication line for years, when we reunite, it will be like nothing had happened between us.
Good friends have integrity, trust, and companionship. They are able to make tough calls, able to empathize, able to listen, able to meet halfway. There’s a good blend of giving and taking. They don’t have to necessarily have the same personality, but if they help me grow, and vice versa, I know I can benefit from the relationship.
I don’t have time to understand everything. I allow other people to spend their time studying something very narrow and leverage on their knowledge. I invest in people. And it’s not a question of whether they are smart. It’s a question of whether I can spend my time with that person. Will this other person be able to listen to me? Can I take the time to listen to this person? Are they continuously growing? Are they helping me grow? Can I help then grow?
Take Some Time to Invest in People
A recent friend of mine told me over lunch that we don’t have the power to change our current friends. Maybe we don’t necessarily need to un-friend them. What we can is choose who to hang out with. He brought up something that hasn’t occurred to me often enough — you can always make new friends. By scoping out new friends, you increase your chances of finding true friends. Your old friends, the ones that you make plans with but they repeatedly cancel on you, can be displaced by these new friends. And new friends may involve going to a meet-up or event, talking to strangers, and following up to make plans to do something later.
With everything, making new friends or being maintaining good friendships takes practice. I’m taking the time each week to give exclusively to friends. Even if it’s a little bit of time, every amount of time counts. There was a time when I didn’t invest any time with friends. For the last year of my previous job, I isolated myself. I was working evening shifts and I would make the excuse that I couldn’t meet people.
I was convinced that I had to sacrifice friends in order to keep the job I had. I worked my ass off and didn’t see much financial reward. Burnt out most weekends, I didn’t make any effort to reach out to anyone.
I was alone with no one to really talk to. I was miserable. There were no pending texts. Nothing in the inbox. No one was making an effort to reach out to me. It was a dark time, and when I finally quit my previous job, I understood it’s not a flaw in others but a flaw within myself. Since then, I’ve been slowly reaching out again.
It was tough at first. I was scared of sending off emails to people I hadn’t talked to in years. But after the first outreach message, the subsequent emails were easier. Now, I’m not scared to ask strangers for emails and follow-up with them. I might sound bizarre, but try isolating yourself for a year. But it can’t be that bizarre, because as I mentioned in my ‘thankfulness’ essay two months back, I mentioned that most people suck at following up.
“The people you surround yourself with need to lift you up. I’m not just talking professionally, but personally as well. Who fascinates you? Who challenges you? Who makes you excited to get started every day? Treat them well, provide them with value, show them why you’re worth keeping around, and you’ll get tremendous return. Invest in people. It may be the most important business investment of your life.” — Gary Vaynerchuck, The Most Important Thing You Don’t Have on Your Bucket List
The benefits are enormous. Perhaps though, you don’t want to have a huge group of friends. That’s the most important thing about investing in friends — understanding your needs and wants. We are all selfish, but we have to be to some extent because we need to take care of ourselves. One way we take care of ourselves is knowing what we want in relationships with others. Again, Kelly Williams Brown writes in her book “Adulting” the following.
“..Assess honestly your own friendship needs and wants.
Some people have the time, energy, and boundless affection to have thirty-seven really close friends. Some people want two close friends, and fifteen people they can call to go out dancing with on a random Friday. Some people want one really tight-knit group. All of these are 100 percent reasonable social needs.
Our model for someone who does well in friendship is someone with a zillion friends, who is never alone, who can conjure twenty people at a bar with nothing more than a mass text. For some, this is indeed what they want. But it’s okay if that’s not what you want — if you’re a quieter, shyer person who would rather have a small handful of people you’re genuinely close with.”
— Kelly Williams Brown, “Adulting: How to Become a Grown-up in 468 Easy(ish) Steps”
I’m the type of person who wants enough friends around me to tell me I’m a bit crazy. I don’t care for the zillion of friends. What I care about are friends who are there for me. There isn’t much to this world more than living it with good friends.
[2] I can’t help recommending this book if you’re in your twenty-somethings. It has a lot of great advice for young people who are in this transitionary phase of being a college student to being a working adult.
You’ve run yourself into the gutter, broken down like a rusty old pick-up truck. Before, we used to be able to call each other without hesitation, talking about what woes us, what bores us, what excites us. Now, I get this nagging feeling you want to call me and talk about your issues, but you probably find it easier to shut up, go about your day, and live with that feeling until it takes a turn for the worst.
But here’s the thing. We’ve all been there. Years ago, I found myself hiding from my friends and family, laying down still on my bed. And just like so many others, how I ultimately got out was the help of my family and friends. It wasn’t what they said. It was how they acted.
Back in High School, I fell in a deep depression. I wasn’t eating much. Food felt like a odorless substance passing through my esophagus. At the dinner table, my mother inquired if I felt alright. She examined my complexion and followed up with a comment about my weight and how thin and pale I looked. Annoyed that she didn’t comprehend, I got up and left the dinner table. I couldn’t tell her the awful truth that I was painfully depressed. I went to the restroom to wash my face. The water was cold, but I didn’t feel it. I was numb.
I went to my room and looked at a recent gift my dad gave me for my birthday. It was this dual cassette and cd player that could also connect to the radio. I really didn’t want it, but my dad insisted I should have it. I remember laying down on my bed and looking at it. I thought, “here’s an item that no one will remember in years, just like years after I die. It’s an afterthought. No one will care about this hunk of metal. Why did it have to even exist? Why do I have to exist?”
The depression was hard to get out of. The core of the depression lie in a deep-rooted fear of dying. Or rather the thought of not being around anymore. My existential crisis made me contemplate suicide. I wasn’t thinking of an elaborate way of killing myself. I imagined what it felt to be dead. But dead is dead, and I supposed there isn’t anything there — nothing to feel. I tried to think of all of the dead, both famous and infamous, and how they must feel being dead. I thought of my grandfather who had died when I was young. I thought of how it must feel when my parents die. I trapped myself into this line of thinking for nights, perhaps weeks.
And I think I needed a friend to be there. You. You were supposed to be there to help me, get me out of this peril. But you were caught up in a love affair with another boy who complicated everything. And he broke your heart eventually. Instead, I got help from playing tennis every weekend. I got help from other friends who invited me to go do other things. I was pulled from my demise by distracting myself from my cloudy thoughts. And eventually, when you wanted to hang out with your best friend again, pulled me out to go biking. And I stopped thinking about it, and the depression slowly withered into a tiny voice in my head. A voice that still bellows once in a while, but doesn’t bother me as much.
Eventually, therapy helped me open up and realize that voice never goes away, and I have found ways to cope with it. I don’t feel like the vicious circle will return. I’ve changed my mind on how to think about suffering. Victor Frankl wrote in “Mans Search for Meaning” that there needs to be thought of the future in order to survive the perils of today. I have found meaning in work and an endless search for perfection that I’m sure can keep me occupied well into the future.
And now, you’re going through a similar experience, except circumstances are much different. No one can just pull you away from what you’re doing because you’re making ends meet. You’re anxious all of the time, hurting yourself by having ulcer-like pains from the stress. I understand the doctor’s prescribed you medication and you’ve started taking measures to take care of yourself, but I know from experience that’s not enough. Drugs aren’t the ultimate answer, just a momentary calm before you have to wake up and face it all again. You can’t fight this alone; you need the support of others.
Please know you can call, text, or reach out to me anytime. Know that when you contact me, I will not judge or hurt you. I will be there to listen, even if you can’t say a word. Maybe you won’t want to use words. Tears are also appropriate. Again, I won’t judge. I won’t make faces at you, bring up your anxiety, make you feel worthless or pitiful. I won’t give up hope on you. If that means I have to spend more time with you, that’s fine. If that means you can’t give back at this moment in time, that’s fine.
Over this summer at Dev Bootcamp, one of our Engineering Empathy sessions was led by Greg Baugues. He talked about his experience dealing with ADHD and his journey that led him to find out he was also Bipolar. In one of his stories, he told us about his mood cycles. He would go through lengthy periods of highs followed by similar periods of lows. During his low in a different era of his life, he would stop being productive to the point where he would skip work and eventually be fired.
On one particular occasion, his low was so bad, he was scared to leave his house. His co-worker who really cared about him came over to his house. His co-worker didn’t have to, but he went the extra mile to help a fellow friend out. At the time, Greg didn’t lock his doors to his place, so his co-worker arrived at his place and knocked on the door before letting himself in. Greg hid between an area between the bed and the wall and covered himself in blankets, evading his co-worker. And it really hurt Greg, not being to come out to the one guy who went out of his way to help him. I really felt him, both being Greg and being the co-worker.
If you will disappear in the dark abyss for weeks, I will come and try to find you, just like Greg’s co-worker. You don’t have to be alone. You don’t have to be afraid. You don’t have to feel like I’m trying to treat you. I’m your friend and I won’t judge you. You know that time you were so frozen, you hid yourself in the closet? I will be the friend who takes you out.
When I say I want to help you, I mean I want to be where you are. I can be the bear in this video. I won’t blame you for what you’re going through. I will be the one to connect with you and be empathic. Because I’ve been there, and I was hurting too.
Next time we see each other, I’ll give you a huge hug. Hell, here’s a virtual hug.
Virtual Hug
That felt good, right?
I can’t help but recommend these two posts: Depression Part 1, Depression part 2. Allie Brosh of Hyperbole and a Half wrote these two stories about her ongoing struggle with depression. I found myself relating to them, both laughing and crying.
Hyperbole and a Half on Depression
It takes a serious dark tone and tries to vocalize how a depressive person feels. This panel above hit home because I imagined if I tried to tell my mother when I was depressed that I just wanted to be dead, she would bereave and I couldn’t live myself. In an interview with NPR, she opens up about her suicide attempt on the radio, something she didn’t tell in detail to her husband. She breaks down a little, and I feel its gravity and weight. I wept. Hearing that, I could relate with my own experiences, and that really hit deep. Maybe it may hit deep with you.
If you ever feel like ending your life, make it a priority to tell me first, and I will help you out of it. I’m here to listen. I understand that one of the biggest side-effects of severe anxiety and panic attacks is to attempt suicide.I don’t feel like we have enough resources out there to help us through these times, and we all too often forget we have others to talk to. I’m telling you now. Talk to me. I will be as silent as a ninja, listening with attentive ears. Again, I won’t judge you. Only after you have spoken will I speak. Only after you have spoken will I embrace. Only after you have spoken will we both breathe.
I implore you to reach out to me today. Right now if you can. Please, don’t be shy. Pick up the phone and call me. I’ll be here. Waiting.
Sincerely,
Jeremy
If you have a friend who needs some help with anxiety and depression, here are some resources to get you started, taken from the subreddit /r/SWResources.
“Contemplating Suicide: No Way to Understand Unless You’ve Been There’ Blog post at PsychologyToday.com from “Gerri Luce” who’s been both a therapist and patient in suicide intervention.
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline’s “Get Help” page gives information about many ways to get help. US-based resource.
Helping Yourself When You are Feeling Suicidal Practical, comforting tips from SCBS Australia.
“If you are thinking of suicide…” from rethink.org. Coping strategies and options for help. UK-based resource.
“Coping with Suicidal Thoughts” from Simon Fraser University. Downloadable PDF workbook with strategies and exercises.
Worldwide Crisis Centre Directory from the International Association for Suicide Prevention.
Personal Experiences of Contacting Samaritans. The Samaritans are a UK-based telephone crisis counselling service. Stories and video from actual clients.
What Happens Now - American Association of Suicidology. Blog by and about suicide attempt survivors.
Suicide Attempt Survivors - Waking Up Alive Support, stories, and recommended books.
“Ways To Help Yourself When You’re Feeling Suicidal” from mixednuts.net - depression and bipolar information and chat.
Suggested Reading List from save.org, comprehensive list of books on suicide and related topics.
Recovery Strategies from J.D. Schramm at TED.com A practical follow-up to Schramm’s talk, “Break the Silence for Suicide Attempt Survivors”.
“Suicide: Read This First” from metanoia.org. Probably the most famous suicide prevention text on the internet.
Some of my own resources on anxiety and depression:
Tips to Manage Anxiety and Stress from the ADAA
12 Tips for Friends and Family of Those With Anxiety - It’s highly important we understand how to cope as well as help those with anxiety and depression.
If you’re friend is suicidal, please reach out to professionals immediately. (For the US only. For other countries, check this /r/SWResources thread.
